I know what you’re thinking.
But if you ever come down (heaven forbid) with a full-blown
case of sciatica like I’ve had for the last several weeks, you’ll realize how
difficult getting out of bed can be.
Lying in bed is fine. In fact, it’s the only place you can
be comfortable, since sciatica makes both standing and sitting painful. The
problem comes when you just really have to get up—usually to use the bathroom,
though eating breakfast before lunchtime is also a consideration.
So there you are with a full bladder and empty stomach,
lying flat on your back on a memory foam mattress that has formed to the shape
of your body, holding you like a warm hug—and creating a valley you must
somehow climb out of. Here goes:
1. Slowly,
without using your right hip or leg, roll out of the body-shaped indentation in
your bed and over onto your stomach. The might require several attempts. Tighten every muscle in your body, because
when you finally make it, you’ll be lying on your full bladder.
No! Not your glutes!
2. Massage
the spasms out of your hip.
3. Carefully
slide your left leg off the edge of the bed, groping with your foot for your
clogs.
4. Slip
your left foot into the left clog.
5. Slide
the right half of your body toward the edge of the bed. Do NOT use the muscles
on the right side of your body.
6. Grit
your teeth and pull your right leg off the bed, because now you have to use
those spasmed glutes to lower your right foot to the floor and slip it into
your right clog.
7. Use
your nightstand to push yourself to a standing position. Take your cane, stored nearby over
night, and hobble to the bathroom, praying you make it in time.
8. Say
a prayer of thanks that Hubby is an early riser, because you know how ridiculous
you must look, and anyone who laughed would have to die.
With any kind of
luck, you can get to breakfast before ten.
Now, How to Climb the Stairs….
